Now we don’t want to alarm you, but when it comes to screeching your chair backwards and taking a stand at the top table to deliver your best man’s speech, you do so with a lot of high hopes resting on your tuxedo’d shoulders. In fact, of all the roles that make up a traditional wedding - engagement onwards - your obligatory toast as the best mate comes unbelievably adorned in pressure.
You need to start off funny, finish up poignantly, and be all sorts of engaging and sentimental in between if you’re going to capture all the laughs and tears you were hoping for. And, not to make you shake in your brogues any more than you already are, you’re probably going to be following the groom and the father of the bride’s speeches, meaning that bar has been set so high an Olympic high-jumper would struggle to Fosbury Flop over it.
But no matter how terrified you are of public speaking, or how much you subconsciously overdid it at the free bar (thank you very much, signature cocktails) we’ve come up with some of the funniest ways to kick off your best man’s speech -- one-liners that will help you become, at worst, wonderfully forgettable, and, at best, truly memorable for all the right reasons. Now go out there and own your moment, buddy.
"Can everyone hear me OK? If you can't hear me in the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you're not missing anything."
“Hi, I’m John and it’s time for me to do this speech I scribbled down about an hour before the ceremony started.”
‘I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain humiliating stories about Matt. Instead, I’ll refer only to his loving and generous nature. Thank you and goodnight.’ (Sit down)
"Matt and Sarah know that I'm a bit nervous about this speech, and so they gave me some great advice. They said 'Don't try to be too charming, witty or intellectual... just be yourself!'"
“Hi, I’m John and in the run-up to the wedding, many people have asked me how I’ll cope now my best friend is married and will spend all his time at home loved up with his wife. Well, I’m thrilled. I’m finally able to talk to women without him cramping my style!”
‘Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to.’
"All of us gathered together in this room, we've got something really important in common - none of us have got a clue what I'm going to say next!"
"I want to start by saying that, of all the weddings I've attended over the years, this one is, by far, the most recent."
"Before we start, can everybody do me a favour and get up off their seats? Now can everyone take one step backwards, please? Now can everyone move one step to the right? And now can everyone move one step left? Thank you. Someone told me that the key to giving a good speech was to move people, but I think they must have been having me on because this is going terribly!"
‘Matt has informed me that the buffet this evening is charged on a cost-per-head basis. So, on his behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…’
‘It’s been an emotional day……even the cake is in tiers.’
‘My parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet (sit down).’
“Hello, I’m John and I’m here to tell you all about Matt and how wonderful, handsome and…sorry, mate, I can’t read your writing.”
‘Apparently, as Best Man, I’m supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and talk about all his amazing qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I my nose grows if I lie.’
‘The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get the chance to prove it.’
‘I promise this speech will be a bit like Matt…….short and not very funny.’
"The couple have requested that I don't share any embarrassing stories... so that's it from me! Thanks for listening!"
‘I am actually a little nervous about giving a speech, but I feel comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this one in front of a live audience at the local old people’s home……I think it went well. At least, they all peed themselves.’
"Matty boy, I love you so much, and I really hope you'll feel the same about me after you hear my speech."
"A few months ago, Matt called me up and asked, 'What are your feelings on marriage?' I had to tell them that, while I was very flattered, I wasn't ready to settle down just yet."